Chapter 3 - the wife he wanted back)
The next morning, Mason acted as though nothing had happened.
He brought me tea.
He kissed Eli's forehead.
He asked if I wanted pancakes.
That was one of the most confusing parts of those weeks.
Cruelty did not replace kindness.
They lived beside each other.
If Mason had been terrible every minute, I might have understood sooner.
Instead he could hold my hand during a pediatric appointment, then accuse me of embarrassing him because I asked the doctor a question he thought was unnecessary.
He could bring home my favorite takeout, then become angry when I ate while nursing Eli instead of sitting beside him at the table.
He could tell everyone I was an amazing mother, then whisper that I was becoming obsessed with the baby.
I began writing things down.
Not because I was planning to leave.
Because I was afraid I was becoming unfair.
That is difficult to explain to someone who has never doubted their own reality.
I thought maybe exhaustion was changing the way I remembered arguments.
So I opened the notes app on my phone.
March 4. Mason angry because I took too long putting Eli to sleep.
March 5. Linda told me I was spoiling him by picking him up when he cried.
March 6. Mason said I used Eli as an excuse not to be affectionate.
March 7. Mason kicked the nursery door after I asked him to lower the television.
March 8. Apologized. Flowers.
Seeing the pattern in writing frightened me.
I deleted the note.
An hour later I recovered it from the trash.
That afternoon Rachel visited.
Linda disliked Rachel.
She never said so directly.
She simply became busy whenever my sister came over.
Cupboards closed harder.
Dishes landed more loudly.
That day Rachel took one look at me and said, "When did you last sleep?"
"Last night."
"That isn't what I asked."
I laughed because I wanted her to stop looking at me.
She picked up Eli and walked toward the rocking chair.
"Go take a nap."
"Linda thinks he should stay awake more during the day."
Rachel looked toward the kitchen.
"Did Eli hire Linda as his sleep consultant?"
I smiled despite myself.
Linda entered.
"I heard that."
"Good," Rachel said.
"Rachel," I warned.
My sister sat down.
"Anna needs rest."
"We all need rest," Linda replied.
"You don't have a newborn attached to your body."
Linda's mouth tightened.
"I raised one."
Rachel looked at her.
"And somehow we're still hearing about it thirty four years later."
I almost choked.
Linda walked out.
I whispered, "Why would you say that?"
"Because nobody else does."
"You're making it worse."
Rachel stopped smiling.
"For who?"
I did not answer.
She stood and handed Eli back.
Then she said something I hated.
"Anna, are you scared of your husband?"
"No."
Too fast.
Rachel heard it.
I heard it.
She lowered her voice.
"Has he touched you?"
"No."
That answer was technically true.
At least I believed it was.
He had blocked doorways before.
He had grabbed objects from my hands.
Once, years earlier, he squeezed my wrist during an argument and released it immediately when I told him it hurt.
I had decided those things did not count.
Rachel nodded slowly.
"Okay."
I relaxed.
Then she said, "I'm not going to argue with you. But I'm going to say this once. My place is always open. Day or night."
"I know."
"No explanations required."
"I know."
"And don't let anyone make you think needing help makes you weak."
My eyes filled.
I blamed hormones.
Rachel pretended not to notice.
Before she left, she checked the baby monitor.
"I keep getting offline notifications."
"Mason hates the camera."
"He unplugging it?"
"I don't know."
Rachel tapped through the settings.
"The cloud backup is still active."
"I barely use it."
"That's why you have me."
She changed a setting.
"What did you do?"
"Extended cloud storage."
"Rachel."
"My gift."
"I don't need thirty days of Eli staring at the ceiling."
"You'll want it someday."
She kissed his forehead.
That night, Mason came home with wine.
He poured himself a glass and brought sparkling water for me.
Linda went upstairs early.
For the first time in weeks, the house was quiet.
Mason sat beside me.
He looked tired.
Human.
"I've been awful," he said.
My heart softened immediately.
It embarrassed me later how quickly hope returned.
"You're tired."
"That's not an excuse."
I looked at him.
He took my hand.
"I miss us."
"I miss us too."
He smiled.
"We can get back there."
"When Eli sleeps more."
His smile changed.
Only slightly.
"See, that's what I mean."
"What?"
"Everything is when Eli does this. When Eli does that."
"He's a newborn."
"I know."
"Then why are we arguing?"
"We aren't."
He squeezed my hand.
"I'm saying you matter too."
Something about the sentence sounded wrong.
Not you matter.
You matter too.
As though Eli and I occupied opposite sides of a scale.
Mason moved closer.
"Come upstairs."
"I have to feed him in twenty minutes."
His face went blank.
I felt it happen.
The whole room cooled.
"You schedule everything around him."
"He eats every few hours."
"You could give him a bottle."
"He's refusing them right now."
"You always have an answer."
I pulled my hand away.
"Mason."
He stood.
"Forget it."
"Don't do this."
"Do what?"
"Punish me because I can't stop being his mother."
He laughed once.
There was no humor in it.
"God, listen to yourself."
Then he walked upstairs.
A minute later, a door slammed.
I stayed on the couch holding Eli.
From the kitchen, Linda spoke without showing herself.
"A marriage needs attention, Anna."
I looked toward the doorway.
She stepped into view.
"You need to be careful."
"Careful about what?"
"Men can only take rejection for so long."
I felt cold.
"Is that a threat?"
She looked offended.
"Of course not."
Then she smiled.
May you like
"I'm trying to save your marriage."
The next day, I discovered Mason had changed the password on our joint bank account.
